¶[scatting]
WHAT'S WITH HIM?
I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM THIS HAPPY SINCE HE HAD HIS PICTURE TAKEN
AT THE AUTO SHOW WITH ADAM WEST.
SON, IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
DID YOU MAKE A NEW FRIEND ON THE TEEN CHAT LINE?
NO, ITS NOTHING LIKE THAT.
MOM, DAD, I'VE GOTTA LITTLE SURPRISE FOR THE 2 OF YOU.
I THINK I MIGHT JUST BUY YOU
A 30-ROOM MANSION IN BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA
COMPLETE WITH PUSH BUTTON PHONES.
DID YOU WIN THAT RAFFLE AT THE PAINT STORE?
NO, MOM, I WON THE GENETIC RAFFLE.
LOOK AT THIS FACE. WHAT DO YOU SEE?
LOOK AT IT, DAD. WHAT DO YOU SEE?
SAY IT, SAY IT.
UH, IT... IT'S A FACE.
YEAH, BUT WHAT KIND OF FACE?
UH, PALE, PASTY, PSYCHOTIC.
NO, DAD.
IT'S A NEATLY CHISELED, WELL-GROOMED, DROP-DEAD HANDSOME FACE.
CHRIS, HAVE YOU BEEN USING POLYURETHANE IN AN UNVENTILATED ROOM AGAIN?
NO, NOW BRACE YOURSELVES, YOU TWO.
I'M GONNA BECOME A MALE MODEL.
YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO, IF I PUT MY MIND TO IT.
THIS IS SOMETHING I CAN DO WITHOUT PUTTING MY MIND TO IT AT ALL.
YEAH, BUT CHRIS, YOU CAN'T JUST WALK INTO THE GLAMOROUS,
HIGH-PAYING WORLD OF MALE MODELING.
IT... IT TAKES HARD WORK, IT TAKES DEDICATION AND...
AND A SEMI-MODERATE AMOUNT OF ATTRACTIVENESS.
MA, DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?
I'M LIKE A ROUGH DIAMOND THAT JUST NEEDS A LITTLE POLISHING, THAT'S ALL.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HANDSOME BOY MODELING SCHOOL'S GONNA DO FOR ME.
LOOK AT THIS AD I FOUND IN THE PENNY SAVER TODAY.
"HANDSOME BOY MODELING SCHOOL WANTS HANDSOME FELLOWS
"TO TRAIN TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL MALE MODELS.
"BRING YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE AND A CHECK FOR $60
"DOWN TO OUR SWANK OFFICES LOCATED OFF ROUTE 9,
BEHIND THE CARPET WAREHOUSE."
SON, MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO THINK ABOUT THIS A LITTLE MORE?
DAD, I CAN'T, I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.
THESE ARE THE PRETTIEST YEARS OF MY LIFE.
OK, I'M LATE FOR MY PERSONAL INTERVIEW.
NOW, WHEN I WALK OUT THIS DOOR HERE,
IT WOULD BE NICE IF KNEW IN MY HEART
THAT I HAVE YOUR BLESSINGS, YOUR BEST WISHES, AND YOUR FULL SUPPORT.
WELL, YOU DON'T.
¶[Stand by R.E.M. playing]
[bicycle bell ringing]
¶ STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE ¶
¶ NOW FACE NORTH
¶ THINK ABOUT DIRECTION
¶ WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T
¶ NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK ¶
¶ NOW FACE WEST
¶ THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE ¶
¶ WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE ¶
¶ STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE ¶
¶ NOW FACE NORTH
¶ THINK ABOUT DIRECTION
¶ WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T
¶ NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK ¶
¶ NOW FACE WEST
¶ THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE ¶
¶ WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE ¶
¶ STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE ¶
¶ SO STAND
[birds chirping]
THAT'S GREAT HONEY. IT MUST BE BEGINNER'S LUCK.
HI, I'M HERE FOR THE INTERVIEW.
OH, SORRY, I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
HEY, YOU DIDN'T PARK IN THE CARPET STORE, DID YOU?
BECAUSE, THEY'LL TOW YOU. THEY'RE BASTARDS.
HONEY, MY 10:00 IS HERE, I GOTTA GO.
YEAH, WELL, JUST... JUST KEEP IT IN THE TRUNK,
AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT WHEN I GET HOME.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
HOW ABOUT THAT? MY WIFE JUST BAGGED HER FIRST DEER.
WOW, SHE SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL WOMAN.
SHE IS.
UH, NOT MUCH IN THE FACE DEPARTMENT, BUT SHE'S GOTTA HEART OF GOLD.
SO I'M TED BAINS,
PRESIDENT OF HANDSOME BOY MODELING SCHOOL.
WELCOME TO OUR SWANK OFFICES.
YOU HAVE THE $60?
UH, WELL, MR. BAINS, WHY DON'T YOU FIRST TELL ME
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE HANDSOME BOY CURRICULUM, HMM?
LOOK, SON,
WE RUN A VERY INTENSIVE ONE-WEEK PROGRAM HERE.
IT'S NOT FOR EVERYBODY.
IF YOU QUALIFY, YOU'LL BE TAUGHT ALL THE INS AND OUTS OF MALE MODELING.
BUT...
EXCUSE ME, ARE THOSE... ARE THOSE CHEEK IMPLANTS?
UH, NO, NOT THAT I KNOW OF.
WELL, THEN YOU GOT SOME GREAT CHEEKBONES.
WOW, WELL, THANK YOU.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT MY NOSE WAS MY BEST FEATURE.
CAN YOU SEE IT? TAKE A LOOK.
YEAH, GOOD NOSE.
IT'S A ROMAN PUG, WHICH IS VERY RARE.
YOU'RE VERY LUCKY.
SO, LET'S ANSWER A FEW QUESTIONS HERE TO SEE IF YOU QUALIFY.
NAME? UH, CHRIS PETERSON.
OK, OCCUPATION? UH, PAPERBOY.
AND YOU'RE GIVING THAT UP TO BECOME A MALE MODEL?
THAT'S GUTSY, KID.
YOU GOT SOMETHING DOWN BELOW, HUH?
ALL RIGHT NOW, WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOUR BUILD
TO BE MUSCULAR, ATHLETIC,
TRIM OR LEAN?
UH, WELL, ACTUALLY IT'S... IT'S MORE LIKE SOFT DOUGH.
THAT'S GOOD.
ALL RIGHT AND LASTLY,
ARE YOU OR ANY MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY AFFILIATED
WITH THE TELEVISION PROGRAM 60 MINUTES?
UH, NO, OCCASIONALLY I ENJOY ANDY ROONEY, BUT THAT'S...
THAT'S OK. I LIKE HIM, TOO.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S ADD UP YOUR SCORE AND SEE IF YOU QUALIFY THEN.
YEP, JUST AS I FIGURED, YOU QUALIFY.
YOU GOT THE $60? YES, I DO.
THEN YOU JUST SIGN HERE AND YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY
A MALE MODEL IN TRAINING.
GREAT.
HERE'S YOUR TRAINEE CAP.
WOW.
YOUR FIRST CLASS IS TONIGHT.
YOU'LL BE INSTRUCTED BY AN INTERNATIONALLY FAMOUS MALE MODEL. GOOD LUCK.
THANKS, MR. BAINS. I WON'T LET YOU DOWN, I PROMISE.
WELL, AS LONG AS THIS CHECK CLEARS, YOU'RE ACES WITH ME.
[men chattering]
[whispers] WOW.
HI.
UH, EXCUSE ME, IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?
ACTUALLY, IT'S RESERVED FOR A MODEL IN TRAINING,
NOT FOR MEMBERS OF THE CUSTODIAL STAFF.
OH, MY, SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S DRAWING BATTLE LINES.
[clearing throat] WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, PAL.
WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW IS CALLED AN AWKWARD STAGE, OK?
YOU'LL GROW OUT OF IT.
I WAS AN UGLY DUCKLING ONCE, TOO.
NOW LOOK AT ME, I'M A BEAUTIFUL SWAN.
LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT, YOU LITTLE TROLL.
YOU CAN SIT THERE,
BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR INANE SQUAWKINGS.
I'M GONNA GRADUATE HEAD OF THE CLASS.
I'M GONNA MAKE SO MUCH MONEY,
I'LL BE ABLE TO BUY MY OWN ISLAND IN THE CARRIBEAN.
HOW EXCITING.
CAN I JUST SAY ONE THING?
YOU'RE NUTS. YOU'RE LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD.
STAY OUT OF MY WAY, UNDERSTAND?
BECAUSE THIS ROCKET'S HEADED FOR THE STARS,
AND THERE ISN'T ENOUGH OXYGEN UP THERE FOR THE TWO OF US.
I'M SORRY, WHAT DID YOU SAY? YOU HAD A BUTT LIFT?
HOW EMBARRASING.
ALL STUDENTS, PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS.
LET'S BEGIN.
I'M TED BAINS, PRESIDENT OF HANDSOME BOY,
AND I AM YOUR MODELING INSTRUCTOR.
UH, EXCUSE ME,
YOU'RE THE INTERNATIONALLY FAMOUS MALE MODEL?
WELL, SORT OF. I USED TO APPEAR AT HOME IMPROVEMENT SHOWS
AS KING PLYWOOD.
I WILL BE INSTRUCTING YOU IN ALL AREAS OF FASHION MODELING.
YOU'LL LEARN ALL THE BASIC POSES.
SUCH AS,
THE "GEE, I WONDER WHAT TIME IT IS" POSE.
AND THE "WHAT'S OFF IN THE DISTANCE WHILE I'M BEING HANDSOME" POSE.
AND OF COURSE, THE EVER POPULAR,
"COULD I HAVE A SIDE ORDER OF BACON WITH THAT PLEASE?" POSE.
UH, EXCUSE ME, I CAN DO THOSE POSES IN MY SLEEP.
AM I GONNA BE ABLE TO MOVE AT MY OWN SPEED IN THIS CLASS,
OR... OR AM I GONNA HAVE TO KEEP PACE WITH THE REST OF THESE SNAILS?
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO GO 5 MINUTES WITHOUT SAYING SOMETHING STUPID?
ACTUALLY NO, I THINK 30 SECONDS IS MY LIMIT. SORRY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.
THIS IS JUST THE WAY MY BODY IS AND WHERE MY HAND IS.
I'M IN MY OWN SPACE, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ILLEGAL ABOUT IT.
AND YOU CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT IT.
YES, THERE IS. I CAN SLAP YOUR HAND AWAY.
OK, THAT'S ASSAULT AND BATTERY. NOW I CAN SUE YOUR ASS.
HEY, COME ON, YOU TWO, NO CAT FIGHTS IN MY CLASSROOM.
UH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SON?
I AM SAPPHIRE.
GREAT NAME, VERY CLASSY, I LIKE THAT.
AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?
UH, I AM SPARKLES.
INTERESTING.
WELL, SAPPHIRE, SPARKLES, ALL OF YOU.
THIS NEXT WEEK WILL BE FULL OF A LOT OF PAIN,
AND A LOT OF SWEAT.
IT WON'T BE EASY.
SOME OF YOU WON'T MAKE IT.
THOSE OF YOU WHO DO MAY ACHIEVE THE ULTIMATE PINNACLE
OF THIS GLORIOUS OCCUPATION.
A RUNWAY SHOW AT A LOCAL DEPARTMENT STORE.
[all exclaiming]
GOD, HOW I PRAY YOU ALL HAVE THAT EXPERIENCE JUST ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.
AND NOW, GENTLEMEN, LET'S MAKE MODELS.
¶[Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison playing]
RIGHT, THE ATTITUDE IS LIKE SAYING, "SCUM.
"YOU'RE ALL SCUM. I'M BETTER.
AND YOU'RE ALL SCUM."
¶ PRETTY WOMAN
¶ WALKING DOWN THE STREET
¶ PRETTY WOMAN
¶ THE KIND I LIKE TO MEET
¶ PRETTY WOMAN
¶ I DON'T BELIEVE YOU
¶ YOU'RE NOT THE TRUTH
¶ NO ONE COULD LOOK AS GOOD AS YOU ¶
¶ MERCY
¶ PRETTY WOMAN
¶ WON'T YOU PARDON ME?
¶ PRETTY WOMAN
¶ I COULDN'T HELP BUT SEE
¶ PRETTY WOMAN
¶ THAT YOU LOOK LOVELY
¶ AS CAN BE
¶ ARE YOU LONELY JUST LIKE ME? ¶
[growling]
¶ PRETTY WOMAN YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ¶
¶ PRETTY WOMAN, LOOK MY WAY
¶ PRETTY WOMAN
STUDENTS, STAND UP.
¶ WITH ME
(all) I PROMISE TO UPHOLD
THE HIGH STANDARDS OF THE MALE MODELING PROFESSION,
TO GIVE 100% AT EVERY PHOTO SESSION,
TO BE PUNCTUAL AND RELIABLE,
AND NOT TO THROW TOO MANY HISSY FITS.
MODELS, SIT DOWN.
¶ IS SHE WALKING BACK TO ME?
¶ YEAH, SHE'S WALKING BACK TO ME ¶
¶ OH, OH, PRETTY WOMAN
CHRIS, WHAT ARE YOU WALKING LIKE THAT FOR?
DID YOU DISLOCATE YOUR HIP?
DAD, I'M PACING AND THAT'S MY MODEL WALK,
AND FOR THE LAST TIME, MY NAME IS NOT CHRIS, I'M SPARKLES.
CHRIS IS DEAD AND HE'S NEVER COMING BACK.
IT'S BEEN A WEEK SINCE I GRADUATED HANDSOME BOY.
HOW COME NOBODY'S CALLED WITH ANY WORK FOR ME?
I DON'T KNOW.
ABOUT AN HOUR AGO, I ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK
FOR 3 SECONDS. MAYBE EVERYONE TRIED TO CALL YOU THEN.
DAD, HOW CAN YOU BE SO CLUMSY AT A TIME LIKE THIS?
IF THEY CAN'T REACH ME, THEY'LL GIVE ALL MY JOBS TO SAPPHIRE.
WHO'S SHE?
[phone ringing]
I'LL GET IT. I'LL GET IT. HELLO, HELLO?
YES, THIS IS SPARKLES PETERSON.
OH, HELLO, MR. BAINS.
YES, I'M AVAILABLE.
4... OH, WELL, FANTASTICO.
YES, I'LL BE THERE WITH BELLS ON.
OK, BYE-BYE.
WELL, MR. NAYSAYER, I'M GOING OFF ON MY FIRST PROFESSIONAL MODELING GIG.
WHO'S IT FOR, DEAR?
YOU KNOW, MA, I FORGOT TO ASK.
I ONLY KNOW IT PUTS ME ONE STEP CLOSER
TO THE ULTIMATE PINNACLE OF SUCCESS IN MY FIELD,
A RUNWAY SHOW.
YOU KNOW, CHRIS, I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU.
I WAS A LITTLE DUBIOUS WHEN THIS WHOLE THING FIRST BEGAN,
BUT NOW I GOTTA TELL YOU, I'M... I'M REALLY IMPRESSED.
GO GET 'EM, SPECKLES.
THANK YOU, IT'S SPARKLES, BUT THANK YOU.
SO, ARE WE GONNA FINISH UP THE AD FOR MUSCLE QUICK TODAY?
YEAH, WE GOT THE AFTER SHOT. NOW WE GOTTA DO THE BEFORE.
SOME FAT GUY'S COMIN' IN. WE'RE GONNA TAKE HIS PICTURE IN THE SAME POSE
AND THEN WE SLAP ON MUSCLEMAN'S FACE. YOU KNOW THAT OLD SCAM.
OH.
WOW.
THERE'S MR. MUSCLELESS NOW.
GREAT, HE'S A REAL BLOB.
HI, SPARKLES, PROFESSIONAL MALE MODEL.
SPARKLES, HUH? YOU, LIKE, WORK FOR THE CIRCUS OR SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW, I NEVER HAVE. BUT THAT WOULD BE A CHALLENGE.
THOSE PEOPLE PUT IN INCREDIBLE HOURS.
SO, UH, WHERE DO I GET MADE-UP?
UH, WELL, YOU DON'T NEED ANY MAKE-UP FOR THIS.
OH, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
I HAVE WHAT'S CALLED COMBINATION SKIN,
AND THAT SEEMS TO HAVE A GLOW OF ITS OWN UNDER THE LIGHTS.
EXACTLY.
WHY, UH... WHY DON'T YOU... WHY DON'T YOU MOVE OVER HERE...
RIGHT OVER HERE?
AND WE'LL LINE UP THE SHOT, ALL RIGHT? GREAT.
AH. OK.
SO, WHAT'S THE SHOT FOR ANYWAY?
YOU DON'T KNOW?
NO, THEY JUST SAID IT WAS A RUSH JOB.
[clearing throat]
YOU MUST BE ANOTHER HANDSOME BOY GRADUATE.
YES, I AM.
WELL, ACTUALLY THIS AN AD FOR A NEW, UH, HEALTH DRINK.
OH, WELL, FABULOUS. THAT'S WONDERFUL. I WISH YOU MUCH LUCK WITH IT.
SO, UH, DOES THIS MEAN THEY'LL BE A, UH, FREE CRATE OF THE STUFF FOR MOI?
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I'VE HEARD ABOUT THOSE KIND OF PERKS.
WHY DON'T WE GET STARTED? SURE.
OH, NICE. WHAT IS THAT? A LITTLE REGGAE?
YEAH, THAT'S NICE. THAT OUGHT TO LOOSEN ME UP A LITTLE.
OK, READY? SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
GREAT. OK.
UNBELIEVABLE.
THIS? GOOD, GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S... LET'S TRY SOME CRAZIER STUFF.
OK? WHY DON'T YOU, UH, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR JACKET OFF?
GREAT IDEA. I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT MYSELF.
TERRIFIC IDEA.
OK, SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
GOOD, GOOD. OK.
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
OK, THIS IS SO WONDERFUL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY MODELING.
AND I'M REALLY GOOD AT IT, TOO, AREN'T I?
YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH.
WHY DON'T WE TAKE THE TIE OFF,
THROW IT IN THE AIR. GO NUTS FOR ME.
YEAH, GREAT, TERRIFIC IDEA.
I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT... I'M NEW AT THIS, BUT... OH!
[snickering]
YOU'RE A NATURAL.
AND THE POSES, ARE JUST... THEY ARE KIND OF, LIKE, POURING OUT OF ME.
OK, TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF, ALL RIGHT?
DO WHAT?
TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.
YOU SAID YOU WERE A PROFESSIONAL MODEL.
NOW WE GOTTA HAVE THIS FOR THE AD.
WELL, NOBODY SAID ANYTHING ABOUT TAKING THE SHIRT OFF.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, YOU'RE DOING FANTASTIC.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
(photographer) THERE IT IS, YEAH. WELL, THAT'S FANTASTIC.
IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?
BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S IT. YEAH, SOME MORE OF THAT.
NO. THAT'S IT!
I'M NOT MODELING ANYMORE FOR THE TWO OF YOU.
WELL, I GUESS I JUST HAD MY FIRST TASTE OF THE FILTHY SIDE OF THIS BUSINESS.
MAY I REMIND YOU, SIRS,
I AM A MALE MODEL NOT A MALE PROSTITUTE.
UGH!
I'M GOING HOME NOW
TO VOMIT.
IT TURNED OUT TO BE A LOVELY DAY, DIDN'T IT?
ARE WE ALMOST DONE, SWEETHEART?
MY LEGS ARE GETTING A LITTLE NUMB.
JUST SHIFT YOUR WEIGHT, HONEY.
I GAVE YOU A BREAK AN HOUR AGO.
OK. BUT IT LOOKS LIKE BOBBY'S GETTING READY TO FAINT AGAIN.
[whimpering]
[grunting]
FRESH AIR.
AMY AND BOBBY YOU GET BACK HERE, I'M NOT DONE YET.
[door closing]
OH, LARRY, LARRY, YOU'RE NOT GOINNA BELIEVE WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH TODAY.
CHRIS. HUH?
YOU DO NOT LIVE IN THIS HOUSE. UH-HUH.
IF YOU WANT TO COME OVER, CALL FIRST.
THIS WILL GIVE US AMPLE TIME TO GET IN THE CAR AND DRIVE AWAY.
THAT'S VERY NICE, SHARON, JUST STAMP ON MY HEART IN MY TIME OF NEED.
LARRY, I JUST CAME FROM MY FIRST MODELING GIG.
IT WAS A TOTAL DISASTER.
WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?
LARRY, IT WAS AWFUL. THEY TREATED ME LIKE I WAS MARILYN CHAMBERS.
THEY MADE ME TAKE OFF MY TOP.
THANK YOU FOR PUTTING THAT IMAGE IN MY MIND.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? THOSE PHOTOS COULD WIND UP ANYWHERE.
OH, MODELING JUST SUCKS.
I'M COMPLETELY REVOLTED AND DISENCHANTED.
PRETTY MUCH THE WAY YOU PROBABLY FELT ON YOUR HONEYMOON.
CHRIS. CHRIS, IT'S REAL SIMPLE WHAT HAPPENED HERE.
YOU WANTED TO BE A MALE MODEL.
BUT YOU CAN'T BE,
AND AS USUAL, YOU ARE THE LAST ONE ON THE PLANET TO FIGURE THAT OUT.
YOU KNOW, SHARON, FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.
I GUESS, I JUST COULDN'T SEE BEYOND THE BRIM OF MY HANDSOME BOY TRAINEE CAP.
I'M A FAILURE AS A MODEL.
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY TRUE.
YOU'RE A FAILURE AT MANY THINGS.
ALL I'LL EVER GET ARE CHEAP, SLEAZY ADS
WHILE GUYS WITH HALF MY LOOKS WILL BE PRANCING UP AND DOWN THE RUNWAY
AT DREXLER'S DEPARTMENT STORE MAKING EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE FEEL LIKE DIRT.
DAMN, WHY CAN'T THAT BE ME?
WAIT A SECOND, IT CAN BE ME.
IT CAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO DREXLER'S AND I'M GONNA LIVE MY DREAM.
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER,
I'M GONNA BE IN A RUNWAY SHOW.
HI, HOW YOU DOING?
[people chattering]
OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE GORGEOUS.
THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF CLOTHING I'VE EVER PUT ON MY BODY.
OK, THIS IS IT FOLKS, LINE UP.
MY FIRST RUNWAY SHOW,
AND I'M ONLY 30.
SAPPHIRE.
SPARKLES? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M IN THE SHOW, HONEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU'RE IN THE SHOW? WHO DID YOU SLEEP WITH?
I GOT MY JOB THROUGH THE FORD AGENCY, SWEET CAKES.
WHAT AGENCY COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE WITH?
OH WELL, I'M ACTUALLY WITH THE "I'M BETTER THAN YOU" AGENCY.
IT'S AFFILIATED WITH THE "I HATE YOUR GUTS" AGENCY.
WAIT A SECOND, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
YOU'RE CRASHING THE RUNWAY SHOW, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE TITMOUSE.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT PAL, AND NOBODY'S GONNA STOP THIS LITTLE PATHETIC
MOUSE TIT OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU JUST CALLED ME. COME ON, MOVE IT OUT.
OH, JEEZ. UGH.
OH. WHO'S THE LITTLE TITMOUSE NOW?
OW, STOP, I BRUISE EASILY.
(female announcer) THIS YEAR MISHA YAKAKIRA FLATTERS THE BUTTOCKS
WITH BOLD BLACKS,
WHILE DELICATELY HIGHLIGHTING THE GROIN AREA WITH DOUBLE PLEATS
AND AVOIDING THE ACCENTUATED SHOULDERS OF THE 80s.
[both grunting]
THE OVERALL SILHOUETTE COMMANDS ATTENTION
WHILE GENTLY GUIDING THE EYE TO THE GROIN AREA
WITHOUT BETRAYING THE MUTED BEAUTY OF THE BUTTOCKS REGION.
ALL RIGHT SAPPHIRE, I GIVE UP. YOU WIN.
GOOD.
OH, MY GOD. IT'S MISHA YAKAKIRA, IN PERSON.
OH, THAT'S HIM, HUH? UH-HUH.
HUH, WHAT WAS THAT, SAPPHIRE?
YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT THERE AND STICK YOUR BACKSIDE OUT IN AN UNFLATTERING WAY?
BETRAYING THE MUTED BEAUTY OF THE BUTTOCKS?
BUT THAT WOULD GO AGAINST EVERYTHING MR. YAKAKIRA'S TRYING TO ACHIEVE THIS SPRING.
SHUT UP, IT ISN'T TRUE.
NO, NO, STOP. I WOULD NEVER BETRAY THE MUTED BEAUTY OF THE BUTTOCKS REGION.
HE'S AN IMPOSTER. HE BARELY GRADUATED HANDSOME BOY. LET ME GO!
OH MY, THAT'S SAD, ISN'T IT?
WELL, I HAVE TO GO MODEL MR. YAKAKIRA'S NEW SPRING LINE NOW.
PROPERLY. EXCUSE ME.
(Chris) I HAD FINALLY MADE IT.
IT WAS A DREAM COME TRUE.
EVERY PENNY OF THE $60 I PAID HANDSOME BOY
WAS UP THERE ON THAT RUNWAY.
THE CROWD LOOKED ON WITH A COMBINATION OF AWE,
LOVE AND ADMIRATION.
AND I COULD TELL BY THE FACES OF MY FELLOW MODELS
THAT I WAS DOING EVERYTHING JUST RIGHT.
I EVEN CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF MY OLD INSTRUCTOR TED BAINS,
AND I COULD TELL HE HAD NEVER BEEN PROUDER.
EVERYTHING HAD COME FULL CIRCLE.
I COULD NOW RETIRE WITH DIGNITY.
BUT FOR A FEW MOMENTS, I WAS A STAR.
I FELT LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN SAMSON, VALENTINO,
AND FOR SOME REASON, NANCY REAGAN.
IT WAS THE SINGLE MOST BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCE OF MY YOUNG LIFE,
WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE MOMENT WHEN
SOME FAT GUY THREW HIS SNEAKER AT ME FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
BEFORE I KNEW IT, SECURITY FORCES RUSHED THE STAGE
TO PROTECT ME FROM MY ADORING FANS.
SOMEONE ONCE SAID, "THE WORST THING ABOUT CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN
IS THAT ONCE YOU'VE REACHED THE TOP, THERE'S NOWHERE ELSE TO GO."
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THAT MEANS.
I THINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH CAMPING.
BUT ONE THING I DO KNOW IS THAT FOR A SINGLE FLEETING MOMENT,
I HAD PEAKED. I WAS A WINNER.
I FELT LIKE SECRETARIAT,
THE NIGHT HE WON THE INDY 500.